What’s Your Goal?
Sitting at the dinner table tonight as a family, we were debriefing our day when my son revealed that his “goal” at school is “not to worry about what other people are doing.”
“And is that your goal, or did someone else give it to you?” I asked, knowing the forthcoming answer.
“My teacher gave it to me,” came the predictable response.
“And so are you the only one who has a goal, or do all of your classmates have one too?”
“Everyone.”
“So what are some of the other goals?”
“Well, Jeremy’s is not to talk so much, and Jack’s is to eat all of his lunch and not make mad faces at his food, and…”
“I see. Well, I’m going to change your goal.” Liam looked at me like what I was suggesting was not possible. “I’m changing your goal,” I continued, “because I don’t like it. It is framed negatively, and it isn’t a good goal. What if, instead of making your goal not to worry about what other people are doing, we change it into ensuring that you help someone every day?”
“I do that; I help my friends.”
“Great, and that is a very good thing to do. This way, you can make sure that when you are thinking about what other people are doing, it is so that you can help them.”
“OK.”
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I said to my wife.
“Because I have a feeling you are going to be having a conversation with his teacher soon,” she replied.
Perhaps, but what is important here is that real goals are not assigned, they are chosen. My son helps people, and therefore sometimes fails to mind his own business, (see Dave’s Freak Factor blog for more examples of this) because he wants to. No measure of intervention will change that. It is my job as his father, and our job as leaders, to assist people to be more of who they are, not less. Sometimes, of course, this requires some reframing, or redirection, but our interventions must be motivated by helping them to define their own goals, measure whether or not they have achieved them, and ensure that alignment exists between the goal and the identity of the person.
Sometimes this requires permission to challenge an assumption, push back or break a rule. My son has this permission now. How he uses it will be up to him, but I’ve empowered him to handle it in the way he sees fit, knowing that I will support him whatever he chooses to do.
It won’t surprise me if I don’t have to make the call to that teacher…
In the context of school sometimes I do believe a child’s behavior can be seen for more of the “wrong” aspects instead of seeing it as a strength. Thanks for reminding me of this as my daughter is a very determined one.